Regarding the UCI Ruling

We can't control our lines of flight

I've always known that this project would end and have to take on a different shape. Sport at the highest levels is a fleeting pursuit. Some of us choose where that end point is and for others it's imposed by circumstance. It can kill, maim, and ruin you mentally. It has taken friends of mine and the awareness that every race or training day could be my last is something that has shaped my relationship to sport. That haunting spectre is why I chased perfection in every training block with a neurotic level of compliance and told my friends and competitors I love and care about them at every opportunity. I know that I gave my all to this pursuit, nearly every waking moment and dollar was poured into attaining a level that many never get to. I don't take that I was given the ability to do that for granted.

When every bit of success you have is marred with controversy you have to develop a real love of the game. It’s a constant reminder that sport isn’t solely about outcomes but the process and if I can’t relish in the process something has to change. It's common for detractors to doubt that I simply trained harder than some other people but the reality is that I worked my ass off under more precarious and emotionally taxing conditions than many. I’ve had my teeth kicked in racing in Europe and knew the level I was chasing required sacrificing a normal life. I take great pride in my work ethic and approach to training, anyone who knows me well saw a meticulous orienting of my life around finding the limit of my capacity and potential. A lot of people don't want to be broke, hounded by debt collectors, and crashing in the trailers of people they've barely met while doing 40+ hour weeks on the bike and in the gym. I didn't think twice about it because all I cared about was making the absolute most of the narrow window of opportunity this universe gave me.

I expected to feel more defeated in the wake of this but I keep coming back to how much joy I've found in cycling. The gratitude I feel when I reflect on my experiences is so overwhelming. Nothing can take away the friendships it has given me and the moments I’ve shared with so many people that I love dearly. I have a lifetime worth of stories and memories to cherish and because of that I remain eager to again give everything I have to whatever I pursue next. A disappointing end isn’t enough to dissuade me from remembering and believing that I find happiness through these all consuming projects.

I guess what complicates all of this is the sense that it is fallout from something I did. Surely if it wasn’t me someone else would have become the scapegoat but the unfortunate matter is that I’m one of the figures that pushed the limits of inclusion for this particular moment and a cabal of right wingers who want nothing but the worst for the world were able to successfully weaponize it. Ten years earlier or ten years down the road who’s to say what happens. But circumstance is such that I am close to the center of a fight that is much bigger than me or any of my previous aspirations. I hope to right the injustice that has been incurred in response to my success in the sport. Other people fought tirelessly to make the last several years of my life possible, it would be unconscionable to not agitate for the next person who wants to give their all to racing bikes. We have to fight for what is right knowing that it’s for the good of others and not our own lots in life. I do not need to line up at a World Cup again but I won’t be able to sleep at night if I’m not fighting for the next woman who deserves a shot at everything this sport has given me.

I thought my project was to be the best bike racer I could be but I’m making peace with it evolving into a shape I never expected. We don’t get to choose where these things take us and that’s okay.